I know it's not customary to feel deserving of congratulations for going to all of your classes for a day (especially if there are only two of them), but today is one of those days where attendance feels like an accomplishment.
Lately I've been trying to make a lot of changes. I say "lately" like this entire year hasn't been turbulent enough to rival one of the rickety washing machines in the laundry room downstairs, ha. It has. But lately I feel I've been trying harder to follow through, and I feel like the more time that passes the more force I am able to build behind all of the changes I'm trying to push through.
For instance: I recently became a vegetarian. It'll have been about a month, I'll say, by the time March gets here. It's going fairly well, despite the fact that for some reason lately I've been eating more/eating more things that aren't so good for me than usual. And I'm definitely feeling the effects. Plus, these past two days, I've let myself use food as a source of comfort for the emotional blows I've taken, which of course is really stupid and childish and something that I am absolutely going to avoid from now on. What I really want to do is block out sweets for a while, or at least ration it so that I eat something sweet only one day a week. I'm thinking of making it Sundays, 'cause on most of my visits to Starbucks, I don't want them to hold the whipped cream.
Someone once said to me that I seem incredibly health conscious. That same someone then asked me if I used to be "big". The answer is no. I'm health conscious because I have one body and I feel guilty not treating it as well as I could. That, and let's face it: I'm vain. And I'm insecure. And a whole lot of other fun things.
But--hey. Back to the concept of change. I've instituted a bed time for the week--it's early (10:30), and maybe sort of ridiculous, but honestly, I feel like it's important to work with it. Also,
sleepyti.me has become my best friend. Seriously, it's mad helpful, strict bedtime or not.
I've also been trying to have more initiative. Take control of more things, stay on top of schedules, stop being afraid to ask questions even if they're stupid, volunteer myself for projects, that sort of thing. I filled out an RA application when those rolled around, and unfortunately today was informed that I wouldn't be moving on to the group interview stage. Which is sort of a blow. But I guess I have to cry my tears now and keep working, yeah?
Still: one of my greatest fears is that I will prove a disappointment and a burden to my parents. Right now, going to school, having them pay for my education, is mildly terrifying. Okay, no: it's extremely terrifying. I go to an expensive private university out-of-state, because I'm crazy and have weird preferences and my parents are too supportive and kind and hopeful for words. I joined a sorority. I do dumb things like go to Starbucks.
I worry that I don't think hard enough about what I'm doing. I worry that I don't pay close enough attention to detail and that my inability to properly strategize in a chess game, to visualize my opponent's next move, somehow translates into my life, and I'm going to fall flat because I don't understand the mechanics of life.
I worry that because I can only seem to write long, rambling blog posts that don't seem to follow any real structure, I must be unable to write a coherent and enjoyable novel.
I worry a lot.
I forget a lot. Genuinely forget. And then feel positively horrible about it.
I am writing this blog post through a haze of sleepiness, and I think I might go to bed early and hope for a happier one tomorrow. I even feel like this is poorly written and it's getting to me. No one should be allowed near the internet while wrestling with that kind of emotional instability.
