I've been avoiding writing in my blog, because I feel like lately all I have to say are heavy, upsetting, boring, hideous things about my life as a sad and lonely college freshman, weeping her way through her classes and not doing her laundry and blah, blah, blah.
I'll tell you a secret: I hate talking about myself.
But Hope! If you hate talking about yourself, why get a blog? That seems contradictory!
Do I look like I have answers to these kinds of questions?
I can answer that one. The answer is maybe.
Meaning that, yeah, I guess I get why I started a blog. I felt like it would be interesting to have a place to write about personal things, and it would be good to have it so that everyone who can't be with me all of the time but remains interested in what I'm up to can have a little look-see into my daily activities/feelings/etc.
Too bad all of my activities and feelings are groan-inducing.
No, of course I don't really mean that. Calm down.
Lit was actually completely fabulous today; I love that class. We're reading Mrs. Dalloway and Virginia Woolf has a lot of beautiful things to say. Clock tower chimes as leaden circles? Ugh, yes. Also: we sang our sassy song in Singers and discussed Beethoven in Music and Culture. I nearly fell asleep, but it wasn't the fault of the material, I promise; for some reason I just became appallingly tired all at once. I actually made a joke just before class, moving desks around (the room had been used for practice, I believe), and Dr. Runnels laughed. I always feel a bit better if I can make someone laugh.
I feel like I haven't made anyone laugh genuinely in a while. I haven't had any just... fits of hilarity. I feel like I haven't truly laughed in ages.
See? This is why I hate keeping a blog. I just paused writing that last sentence and thought, "Lord, Hope, be more melodramatic."
Life's hard.
On the upside: I officially have appointments to see both my dentist and my orthodontist.
On the downside: my mom made me feel like a complete asshole (whatever, alright, I've avoided cursing this whole time and this is a personal blog as much as I might enjoy the idea of other people enjoying it) while telling me about them.
See, I tried to schedule my own appointments and situate them so that I could go on a trip with Becca and Chelsea for spring break. There are more details there that make me seem less ridiculous and stupid, but honestly, maybe it'll be better for everyone to think of it as my being a selfish, spoiled brat. Maybe that's what I am.
At any rate, I tried to do that, and my mom thought it was stupid, so she rescheduled them for the middle of break, so I have to be home. And sure, there's three days of break before the actual appointments, but honestly? No one wants to drive me all over hell and gone just to make me happy. No one except for me. And guess who doesn't have a driver's license or a vehicle? Me, because I'm the definition of useless and I like reveling in it.
That's not true. I'm going to learn how to drive this summer so I can cross that off of the list of "Reasons Why Hope is Bad At Adulthood and Probably Life Also." I'm also going to try to stop talking about myself like I hate myself. Even if I do. Because I should make efforts not to do that. Can't love anyone else until you love yourself, blah blah blah whatever.
Anyway, my mom changed my appointments and reminded me again, y'know, just in case I forgot, about all of the money this whole ordeal was costing and how we really needed to get it wrapped up and how she knew I wasn't going to like that I had to come home but I just had to deal with it because of the aforementioned monetary issues.
Because, you know, my main concerns are whether I get to do what I want.
God, are you reading this? Who do I think I am? Do you need me to toss you a life vest so you can keep your head above the water of this river that I am crying for myself?
Do you ever get tired of being a hypocrite, Hope?
Why do you think I sleep so much?
Anyway.
I had a pretty good day. I woke up and took a shower and listened to Matt & Kim and danced around and took a while to get dressed and went to breakfast and then to Lit at eleven and then to Singers and then to lunch. I sat in the cafeteria for a long while chatting and then I went to Music and the weather all day was completely beautiful and I was in a great mood and then my mom called me and I keep letting things trip me up, I keep tricking myself into being happy and fighting the bad stuff and brushing my teeth and taking better notes and filling out applications and trying out for solos and asking stupid questions and trying not to be so afraid, trying to open up to let good things in but I feel too exposed and making room for the good things means making room for the bad things, too, and I'm tired of taking things in, some days. Even if I know I could be doing so much more, could be doing so much better, I feel exhausted and terrified and then terrible, because how dare I waste the potential everyone sees in me?
I feel exhausted and terrified because what if all I ever have is the potential everyone sees in me?
And I know that everyone else is probably asking themselves the same questions, I know all about self-esteem and getting counseling and relying on your friends and family and listening to good music and eating good food and meditating and not letting everything attack you at once and keeping a journal and using lavender soap and blah blah blah, I know. I know that this is probably angsty and ridiculous and that I shouldn't post it but honestly, whatever. I don't want to leave my blog entirely empty all of the time and if this is what I have to say, I might as well say it. Even if I feel like lately all I do is talk and that all of the talking has gotten me nowhere but angrier and more annoyed that I'm painting this picture of myself that is inaccurate and unattractive. Even if I feel like the me that didn't used to think all of these things--at least not like this, not with all of this fury and inability to control herself--is some stranger now, that's just dropped me off at a train station and left me with both her baggage and my own. Somebody that I used to know.
Which, coincidentally, is the title of a song that I can't stop listening to. The album version (from
Gotye's Making Mirrors), sure, but mostly
Matt and Callie's cover, which is absolutely stunning, and if you don't have it already, you should ask for it. Because trust me, you want it.
