Chin Up

Reminding myself to keep it there, because I refuse to dedicate this blog to self-loathing. However often I may indulge in the practice.

Gosh, that makes me sound so bitter. I swear, most of the time I exude youthful optimism and freshness or whatever. I'm just going through a rough patch.

I have a midterm tomorrow and it's past my bedtime, so I should really go to bed.

You know how I said last night that'd I'd get up earlier today?

I didn't. None of you are surprised, and that's okay.

But really, I'll need to get up early tomorrow. And I will, because I do actually have things to do. Though I'll tell you that despite waking up to my alarm and then getting up and deciding to go to back to sleep (until 12:30), I did manage to hand wash a dark load of laundry, plus a few extra pairs of underwear and all of that. And I guess I'll continue to handwash things until the end of this week. Then I'll go mug Ali for quarters (bless her) and wash my sheets or towels or whatever. Because that needs to be done.

Oh, and as a firm believer in the phrase, "You learn something new every day" (or at least that you ought to TRY to learn something new), here are a few things I learned today:

• A brief history of the creation of The Book of Kells (we have an exact replica in our library; it's stunningly beautiful, and Victoria, Kendall, Chelsea, Becca, Janet and I got to flip through it tonight  'cause Victoria got so excited about it that they took it out of the glass case for her)
• That I way prefer Starbucks over Caribou (or maybe I just really hate caramel drinks? That was disturbingly sweet)

Sweet dreams and all of that jazz!

When I am laid in earth

I had a music and culture quiz today and I think I made some pretty dumb mistakes that are going to piss me off when I get it back. The good thing about this? I still listened to a lot of beautiful music.

That's not the exact version I have on my iTunes (different singers; the woman singing it in my version doesn't get as crazy about flipping her r's), but it still works as an example. That was one of my favorites this time around.

As evidenced by my minor breakdown yesterday and my far smaller upset today, I've been feeling a little lost lately. I haven't written anything outside of a blog post for a month. Most of my clothes are dirty, and I've a very small amount of quarters to do laundry with. I've been letting small things disappoint me and I've been feeling disconnected from my family.

Sometimes, being away from home is really difficult.

I recognized before I left for school that I had a very strong connection to my family, and that it was going to be difficult to live seven hours away without a car or a ton of money to dedicate to travel, but honestly, there's a difference between recognizing and experiencing. And let me tell you, experiencing is a whole lot harder.

Other things about today: I woke up late, and didn't have a lot of time before class to salvage a decent outfit from the desolate wasteland that is my closet (hence the lack of outfit post). I'm getting really tired of Georgia's winter, you guys. I'm also getting tired of having to buy every load of laundry, but I mentioned that. I'm just a really selfish girl with a lot of needs, okay?

Other, less negative aspects of today: I auditioned for the solo in Singers. I auditioned for the last solo, and that was a huge step, because I was mad anxious. I was still anxious for this one, but slightly less so, which is a wonder because I was far less prepared. Baby steps, guys. With each audition, I get a little bit more confident and therefore a little more likely to actually land a solo part. That's what I like to think, anyway. But really, there are some talented ladies and gentlemen competing against me, and while I hope to eventually get a solo I really like before graduating, I won't begrudge anyone I admire their chance to shine.

Side note: Serious props to Dr. Ray for constantly being so encouraging, despite all of my blushing uncertain bull.

And, while speaking in the vein of people who have managed to impress me/individuals I admire, shout out to the following:

1. Sonya, for being so level-headed, steady, intelligent, and stylish, and for rocking the ever-lovin' crap (I'm going to try to avoid cursing in blog posts from now on, since that's more ladylike and professional and all sorts of good things; plus, my grandma reads this blog) out of a short haircut
2. Melinda, for ALSO rocking a sassy haircut (and a RED one, mmhm girl), for being funny and friendly, and for being entirely unafraid to speak her mind
3. Janet, for proving to be such a delightfully sweet, charming, quirky, and smart individual
4. Chelsea, for pulling out her braids on a whim and for being my ever-adorable and infinitely kind big sister
5. Melina, for being a constant source of inspiration and admiration, and for being the best sister and friend that anyone could ever ask for
6. Miranda, for reading this blog and for letting me know, and for being a seriously BA cousin (I love you, too)
7. My grandmother, for being classy and fabulous
8. My mother, for being a woman I am unendingly proud to resemble in both physical appearance and personality
9. My brother, for being so smokin' hot and physically enormous that people who've never met him assume that he's in his early twenties, and for being a complete boss
10. My father, for giving really good hugs, knowing answers to Jeopardy! questions, and having ridiculous theories that make me laugh when he takes me out to do silly things like buy ice cream and discuss Eastern religion
11. My littlest one, Kitty Cat, for making me smile all of the time and for being so incredibly smart and such a PYT that it makes tears come to my eyes on occasion
12. Heather, for thinking that I am "cooler than her" (gurl, you cray) and for embracing her difficulties with the English language
13. Becca, for having seriously fierce hair today and for always giving me things when I need them

And I think, on all of those positive notes, that I'll end this blog post. Here's to hoping I wake up at a decent hour tomorrow (I've disregarded my bed time because I have no class tomorrow! And I slept so late today, so I figure if I wake up earlier tomorrow that'll put me back on track)! And that I force myself out of bed and into my running shorts, because honestly, I miss exercise. And if there is anything I need more than clean bras, it's some cardio.

Daily Outfit

Coat: Guess (ordered it online from a department store but I can't remember which one); scarf: Zara (a Christmas present from Grace)

Belt: Gifted (Thanks, Becca); cropped sweater: Vintage (Thanks, mom)

Dress: Urban Outfitters (Navy, not black, for those of you who are wondering)

Shoe reprisal! Earrings, too. Kohl's and Target. Also: my hair has been different, I swear. Simple ponytail today. Yesterday was a ponytail day, too, but I had my hair wrap around itself. And the day before that I think I wore a bun and I don't know, alright, I just don't like my face this week and I'm still trying to be better about actually doing my hair.

Dismantle. Repair.

 I know it's not customary to feel deserving of congratulations for going to all of your classes for a day (especially if there are only two of them), but today is one of those days where attendance feels like an accomplishment.

Lately I've been trying to make a lot of changes. I say "lately" like this entire year hasn't been turbulent enough to rival one of the rickety washing machines in the laundry room downstairs, ha. It has. But lately I feel I've been trying harder to follow through, and I feel like the more time that passes the more force I am able to build behind all of the changes I'm trying to push through.

For instance: I recently became a vegetarian. It'll have been about a month, I'll say, by the time March gets here. It's going fairly well, despite the fact that for some reason lately I've been eating more/eating more things that aren't so good for me than usual. And I'm definitely feeling the effects. Plus, these past two days, I've let myself use food as a source of comfort for the emotional blows I've taken, which of course is really stupid and childish and something that I am absolutely going to avoid from now on. What I really want to do is block out sweets for a while, or at least ration it so that I eat something sweet only one day a week. I'm thinking of making it Sundays, 'cause on most of my visits to Starbucks, I don't want them to hold the whipped cream.

Someone once said to me that I seem incredibly health conscious. That same someone then asked me if I used to be "big". The answer is no. I'm health conscious because I have one body and I feel guilty not treating it as well as I could. That, and let's face it: I'm vain. And I'm insecure. And a whole lot of other fun things.

But--hey. Back to the concept of change. I've instituted a bed time for the week--it's early (10:30), and maybe sort of ridiculous, but honestly, I feel like it's important to work with it. Also, sleepyti.me has become my best friend. Seriously, it's mad helpful, strict bedtime or not.

I've also been trying to have more initiative. Take control of more things, stay on top of schedules, stop being afraid to ask questions even if they're stupid, volunteer myself for projects, that sort of thing. I filled out an RA application when those rolled around, and unfortunately today was informed that I wouldn't be moving on to the group interview stage. Which is sort of a blow. But I guess I have to cry my tears now and keep working, yeah?

Still: one of my greatest fears is that I will prove a disappointment and a burden to my parents. Right now, going to school, having them pay for my education, is mildly terrifying. Okay, no: it's extremely terrifying. I go to an expensive private university out-of-state, because I'm crazy and have weird preferences and my parents are too supportive and kind and hopeful for words. I joined a sorority. I do dumb things like go to Starbucks.

I worry that I don't think hard enough about what I'm doing. I worry that I don't pay close enough attention to detail and that my inability to properly strategize in a chess game, to visualize my opponent's next move, somehow translates into my life, and I'm going to fall flat because I don't understand the mechanics of life.

I worry that because I can only seem to write long, rambling blog posts that don't seem to follow any real structure, I must be unable to write a coherent and enjoyable novel.

I worry a lot.

I forget a lot. Genuinely forget. And then feel positively horrible about it.

I am writing this blog post through a haze of sleepiness, and I think I might go to bed early and hope for a happier one tomorrow. I even feel like this is poorly written and it's getting to me. No one should be allowed near the internet while wrestling with that kind of emotional instability.

Daily Outfit

Wool jacket: Kohl's, scarf: Kate's (? This little boutique that Becca found in Atlantic Station)

Shirt: Urban Outfitters; reversible belt: Target

The back of my shirt (as requested; people got needs)

Big giant flare trouser jeans: American Eagle; yellow nail polish: Walgreens (It's Sinful Colors, you guys. It says "Professional" on the bottle. Fancy, amIrite?)

One of my absolute favorite pairs of shoes: Kohl's (Simply Vera, holla); and did I mention that the name for that shade of nail polish is "Unicorn?" Which is synonymous with "perfect" (Trust, I'm an English major)

Earrings: Target (In case you haven't caught on: I kind of love Target? Whatever, okay, I shop on a srs budget and I don't have a driver's license because I am bad at adulthood!!!)

Daily Outfit

Cropped wool jacket: Kohl's; tank-top: Urban Outfitters

Sweatpants: Gap Body; heels: Urban Outfitters (On sale for $19.99!)

Scarf: Old Navy

I kind of love the detail on this jacket; plus, it's the only accessory I had today, ignoring the scarf

Daily Outfit

Tank-top: Gap; shrug-like thing: Target

Skirt: Kohl's; heels: Kohl's

Ring: Gifted; earrings: Bijou Brigitte

I Was Here

The title of Chelsea's (current) favorite Beyoncé song, and one of the many that she rocked out to today in the car. Chelsea really, really likes Beyonce. More like loves, but that isn't as nice of a segway into this next paragraph:

I like to take baths. Not very often; just, every once in a while, I'll treat myself to a bath. I don't use them to actually get clean. Ordinarily, actually, right after I have a bath I'll just stand up and take a shower. Today, though, I'd already had a shower, so I just sort of felt like sticking my feet into the stream of water and soaking in the warmth. It's relaxing, bathing. That, and Chelsea got me these lavender bath crystals, so I feel sort of obligated to use them, however pretty they look in their little glass bottle.

I really don't like my skin at the moment. I don't want to say I dislike it all of the time, 'cause I feel it's got potential, but lately it's letting me down. Lately meaning this week. I feel about acne the way I feel about litter and rudeness. Which is to say I kind of want to crush it under my shoe. And ordinarily I avoid feeling violent emotion or whatever, because I like to pretend I'm a mild-mannered sort of lady.

I liked the activities of today. Becca, Chelsea and I went to Sunflower Café, which is a lovely little vegetarian restaurant. I had garden loaf and mashed potatoes with basil (?) and roasted asparagus and a spring roll. There was this delicious gravy and some diced... I can't think of whether it was red pepper or tomato.  I mixed it in to my potatoes, so it's difficult to recall using taste. Chelsea had eggplant parmesan and Becca had pad thai. I tasted both of their dishes, and they were as beautiful in taste as they were in presentation. I didn't photograph them like I photographed my own, but I sort of wish I had.

I was kind of sad that I had to deconstruct it to eat it

We also went to the library, which I haven't had the pleasure of doing in quite some time. I really love libraries. Becca checked out books for me with her card (I am, unfortunately, not possessed of a Decatur library card). So I've just started a rather short little novel called Pandemonium which so far promises an amusing and fun enough read, and I have waiting for me a collection of stories by Joyce Carol Oates, who happens to be the favorite author of a past creative writing teacher of mine. I miss taking creative writing.

Fun fact: I want to be an author. Writing is, for me, the bee's knees/cat's pajamas/cat's meow/etc.

I felt slightly guilty, what with Becca having loaned me Tree of Codes ages ago, and Lilly having loaned me Goblin Market and Candide at the beginning of last semester. I really need to get those back to her.

Fun fact numero dos: Lilly, Becca, and Chelsea are all sisters of mine. And when I say sisters, I mean sorority sisters. Because (hold on to your seats!) I'm in a sorority. Tri Sigma, to be exact. And so far, it's been good to me.

Fun fact numero tres: An open mind is the best accessory. I can't remember who once said that the best accessory is a smile, but I'm disagreeing with whoever that is. Smiles are important and everything, but what's more important is behind the smile, right?

I'm mad tired at the moment, so you're going to have to excuse any incoherency on my part. I meant to go to bed much earlier than this (for some reason the times on this blog are confused and it seems to think that it's 11, but it's actually 2:45), but Joe (not a sorority sister--boyfriend) wanted to Skype. He goes to UNC and I haven't seen him in the flesh for several months now. It's a hard-knock life, as Annie would say. Still, despite my delayed bed time, I'm hoping I'll wake up at reasonably decent hour tomorrow, so that (drumroll) I'll have time to head to the gym. Because, two facts: one, I don't go to the gym nearly as much as I'd like to or as I should, and two, I've eaten a ridiculous amount of sweets this week, and thinking about it makes me squirm a little. Compensation is a good word.

My eyes are closing as I write this. I really better go before I give into the temptation to sign this post with "XOXO, Gossip Girl".

Daily Outfit

Shirt: American Eagle; shorts: Urban Outfitters

Belt: Vintage; ring: Target

My very well-loved Chucks

Unbelievably gorgeous weather

"Pulvis et umbra sumus"

That's Latin for "We are but dust and shadow".

Fun fact: I love Latin.

Fun fact number two: I love to read.

We are, in my Modern and Contemporary Literature class, currently reading T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land", which (as you probably know) is this really long poem about how much Eliot loves to confuse the ever-loving shit out of people.

I'm sorry, that was presumptuous.

(No, it wasn't. T.S. Eliot was kind of an arrogant douchebag, like a lot of other great writers.)

But seriously, we've only just started talking about it, but so far my impression is that "The Waste Land" is this nearly impenetrable bastion of emotion and allusions and desolation that I am not quite certain I want to access.

No offense to Eliot, because I love "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock". Maybe not as much as I love Yeats or "The Tyger" or Rilke (oh, Rilke, you beautiful wordsmith of a man), but enough.

At any rate, a portion of the poem has stuck with me:

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Most especially that last line:  I will show you fear in a handful of dust. It's the title of a novel, I believe, by the same author who wrote Brideshead Revisited and whose name I cannot currently recall. But that isn't what made it stick with me. What did was the connection I made to that line, that single phrase for which we have Horace to thank (think: carpe diem): We are but dust and shadow.

And it made me think about my interpretation of that line and how that interpretation adapted itself to suit Eliot's line. I think of it like this:

Dust is a combination of dead skin cells, and hair, and all sorts of lovely things that no one really likes to think about. Dust is a residue. Dust is left behind by something.

A shadow is cast by something large and substantial enough to block light.

If we, as humans, are dust and shadow, what are we the dust and shadow of? A larger consciousness, or maybe just the universe in general: We are smaller, we are something that has developed, that has broken off of and grown out from a larger something.

And our size, our place in the universe, the realization that we are not the largest and most important thing out there, the recognition of our own insignificance: that's terrifying. And that is where you can see the fear in a handful of dust.

Fun fact number three: I really love my literature class. And Google.