Daily Outfit

Scarf: Zara; belt: Gifted

Tunic: Urban Outfitters; jeans: American Eagle

Shoes: Kohl's

Probably gonna have to fix the bottoms soon; my advice is to invest in shoes, you guys (ie: DON'T follow my example)

Some gratuitous face time (and some lovely sun in the background, despite it being mad cold today)

Also: the close-up of my nails that I meant to post yesterday but didn't; it took me ages to figure out exactly how I wanted to paint them and ended up settling on this

Daily Outfit

Sunday:

Top: Vintage (Thanks, mom); sweatpants: Gap Body

Tried to get a picture of the cute little tie at the back but black is difficult

Sandals: Target

Necklace: Swarovski (Thanks, Joseph)

Wednesday:

Shirt: Gifted (Thanks, Grandma); belt: Urban Outfitters

Dress: Forever 21; sandals: Urban Outfitters

Today:

Shirt: Urban Outfitters; skirt: Urband Outfitters (Thanks, Grandma)

The back of my shirt (it's mesh up top) and the worst lighting ever

Sweater: American Eagle

Shoes: Vans

What Do I Know?

Things about today that were good:

• Starbucks: java chip frappuccino and blueberry muffin
• Late night spaghetti dinner
• Room painting plans
• Nathan finding my wallet (bless)
• Devin and Imaani being sweet, loving angels
• New music
• Outfit planning
• All of my sisters looking their fiercest for our final chapter meeting of the semester

Things about today that were okay:

• Writing some of an essay
• Giving in to the temptation of Twitter
• Work (I got another pledge: proof that miracles happen)
• The weather (sun: good, wind: no just no)
• Marginal improvement in Scramble With Friends

Things about today that were bad:

• Becca and Lisa not needing calendars for next semester
• Wanting to wear my ring but not knowing where it is
• The sink being backed up because my IQ becomes steadily lower the longer I breathe Georgia air
• General lack of organization
• Unpainted toenails
• My throat hurting
• Apathy

The closer I get to the close of the semester, the more I want to just collapse. This whole semester has been me regressing in terms of being able to handle anything at all: I forget when I've showered, whether I've washed my face, where my Petrel pass is, where I last put my glasses. I forget appointment dates and assignments and whether I've answered people's text messages. I get confused trying to walk places, pausing mid-stride and thinking, "Shouldn't I be going around the other way? It'd be faster." I've spent a lot of time crying in bathrooms or my dorm room when it's empty; I started crying on stage during the Singer's concert, even, and during Jess and Leila's initiation.

The last time I went home, I had lunch with my grandma, and in response to a question about whether I liked Oglethorpe, she said, "She seems to like it. I don't know; sometimes her blog seems a little...," and I guess it's true. I can understand how this blog might make it look as though I'm desperately unhappy here. But to tell you the truth: I don't know how to differentiate between the place and the person. I'll admit, I've been happier the times I've gone home. But the times I've gone home have been vacations: fewer worries, fewer obligations, fewer restrictions. It's not the same. If I were to live and go to school at home, it could be I'd be the same wreck there that I am here. I don't know how to answer that question without actually taking the Mythbusters approach of just living the experience. And I can't exactly afford to go flip-flopping between schools; which I'm not convinced is even possible? You can't just try on lifestyles like they're pairs of shoes.

Still, it's been suggested that I might be happier living at home. It's been suggested that I might be happier, attending a different university. And I honestly don't know how to reply to that kind of suggestion. I might feel exceptionally lonely right now--especially with the promise of friends and family back home dangling right in front of my eyes--and I might be upset, thinking that I've possibly managed to alienate a possible friend (however surprised I might have been, initially, by the idea) just as some of my few others are preparing to graduate, but I don't know that it's a permanent thing. My mood is incredibly malleable. Mercurial. I have trouble basing my decisions on it, and therefore most often resort to logic, and so far, the logic of my staying vs. my going looks a bit like this:

• Money???
• Who else would want me
• Tri Sigma?
• Plans I've set up already! Living in the house with Dona! Singers!
• My family though
• Devin! Lauren!
• Living on my own is cool beans (sometimes?) because independence
• Jobs
• Good food and games

And man, I dunno. It's funny how I really like to make lists, but I rarely ever use them to help me accomplish things. I don't write to-do lists, I don't write pro-and-con lists. Maybe I should start. Maybe the black-and-white of pen and paper will make all of my thoughts more black-and-white, more cut-and-dry, straight-and-narrow, fast-and-easy. The ultimate aim is simplicity, right?

I don't know, but the last thing anyone needs to be doing is sitting up at 4 AM contemplating her life choices and reasons for doing things, right? Heavy hearts have trouble maintaining a good sleeping rhythm. Ignore that I made that fact up.

Here's to hoping you're all currently dreaming sweet dreams. Goodnight.

Daily Outfit

So, here's yesterday:

Sweater: American Eagle (Thanks, Aunt Margaret); shorts: Urban Outfitters

Scarf: Kohl's; ring: Target

And scarf free!

And dancin'!

Sandals: Target (I need to paint my toenails, forreal)

And today:

One of the eighty-six outfits that I wore for five seconds today

Because sometimes you need to play dress-up

Come Around

Today's motto has been (drumroll):

Props to Becca and Daily Pep Talk From a Best Friend

And so far, it's served me extremely well. I urge all of you to take it and save it for when you need it. I did.

Other good things about today:

• Impromptu sisterhood outside of the library
• Lovely weather
• Soft sweaters
• An embrace from Justin Sabree
• Actually getting to laugh a bit at work (Thank you, Danny)
• Ice cream
• A good hair day
• Lisa ensuring that I woke up to my alarm because she's an angel
• Morning texting with Becca
• Ali: "Your boyfriend looks adorable today"
• Nice men from England (Good luck finding a job!)
• Black and white French films
• Milk out of a mug
• Nutella out of the jar
• Dona and I are officially living together!
• Imaani is a peach
• Callie is still ridiculous
• Skyping with Angelica and Matt in the wee hours of the morning
• A lovely e-mail from Dr. Terry
• Delaney, makin' a sandwich like Delaney does
• Heather bein' presh
• Hugs from Lilly and Catherine
• Baby socks from Karen
• Ehre sei dir, Christe and Daniel Pinkham's Wedding Cantata (seriously you guys please go to the Singer's Concert, I love singing this stuff)
• John Cage and his 4'33"

Allow me to elaborate a bit on that last bullet point. So John Cage is a composer, right? But he's a revolutionary composer of the twentieth century, so he's totally cray, because he's experienced all of these different styles and types of music and now he's sticking things into the strings of a piano in order to produce a ton of different percussive sounds. But that's not the point. The point is that John Cage was big on Eastern religion and philosophy and wrote 4'33" to reflect the idea that music is something that humans perceive, right? They accept something as music because that's how they've been conditioned to accept it and if you take silence but you call it music; if you designate a specific amount of time for only that silence, if you have a man sit at a piano and do nothing but open and close the lid between each "movement"... What are you proving? A whole bunch of beautiful things, okay. You are proving that I want to kiss you on the mouth because that is brilliant and I am in love with you for it.

I am in love with today. Despite any of the mess-ups, despite changing outfits one hundred times, despite eating an entire bag of popcorn, despite my period (TMI? Whatever), despite insurance companies being hard to deal with, despite people being unemployed. I am absolutely, wholly, and irrevocably in love with today and I kiss it goodbye with a very satisfied mouth.

Daily Outfit

The only photos I managed to get of this past week:

My hair behaving nicely (a small miracle)

Sandals: American Eagle

Delightful maxi dress: Urban Outfitters

Our brand new Tri-Sigma shirt!

I'm fond of it, despite the weird fabric

Two of my most trusty wardrobe options, brought to you by Levi's and American Eagle (more like American Angel, let's be real; that store is like a religion to me, I can't understand how they have so thoroughly pervaded my wardrobe)

And the children on their own, 'cause sometimes it's good to be reminded of childhood

Something Bigger, Something Better

On the list of great things that I read about today: "A vaccine that can train cancer patients' own bodies to seek out and destroy tumor cells has been developed by scientists."

On the list of not-so-great things I was told on the phone today: My family went to a festival today in celebration of Easter, and as my mother was trying to take a photo of my sister in front of a mural, she tripped over a low cement wall and hit her head on a palm tree. She had to go to the ER to get her ear glued to her head. On the plus side, my mom was laughing and my father sent me a picture as confirmation. I keep getting this bizarre mixture of beautiful and dreadful news from my family. Like a reminder of the lovely tossed salad that is life.

Or whatever. That metaphor makes a ton of sense in my sushi-and-Starbucks-stupefied brain.

I'm sitting in a chair in Starbucks trying to write an essay on feminism and my identity as a female while listening to Amanda Blank and Rosi Golan, which is another really odd combination. Today is about contrast, I guess.

Lately it's hard to make anything I write sound elegant and cohesive. I feel like my every step recently is more like the step of a fawn learning to walk than the step of anything more graceful, with grace being the ultimate goal, here. We all want to live life beautifully like the subjects of a painting or the characters in a book, right?

But (obviously) life isn't a painting or a book and sometimes, we have to get over it. Even if it's hard, even if we have to go to counseling (at some point--I may or may not have slept through my first appointment and have an apology e-mail sitting on my mental to-do list) and drink too much coffee and cry four times in one day.

It's taking a lot of convincing, but I'm coming around to believing that these things are okay. That coping is just as acceptable as breezing through--and it's extremely rare that anyone breezes through.

Time lapse: I'm obviously no longer sitting in a chair at Starbucks, 'cause it's 1:02 AM. I never finish my blog posts when I mean to; things always come up. I'm doing my laundry: sheets and a bright load. I'm at the halfway point and it's nice. I love having clean sheets and more outfit options. I've also done my dishes, and as soon as I'm finished with this laundry I'm gonna vacuum. I think this essay is going to be really nice once it's cleaned up, and I've gone through some e-mails and sent out at least one of the few I need to send, and I've figured out a way to get some more service in before the year comes to an end.

This week is gonna be good, guys. I just have to keep believing it.

Maybe Be Alright

Life's been a little rough so far this week, but you know what? I'm learning to deal with it. And if learning to deal with it involves hysterically texting my mother and writing a ton of e-mails and eating cookie dough and watching Supernatural in a tent with Heather and Delaney and forcing myself to get exercise and making promises to avoid eating cookie dough in future, so be it.

I was going to make myself a list on Monday, as a sort of reminder of the good things to remember while I fought my way through this week, but so far I haven't needed a physical list; all of the items I would've included have managed to manifest themselves.

Example: Joe texted me today about his allergies, and he sent me a link to "I'm Alive" by Celine Dion. And those are the kind of stupid things that make me think, "Yeah, Hope, he's a winner."

Other things that would have been included: My sisters. Delaney's growing attachment to Supernatural, compliments on my scar, and general Delaney-ness. Heather being unbearably cute. My mother loving me despite my being a little bit crazy and responding calmly to my wild messages, despite probably wanting to shake me a little bit. Melina's desire to have me home for Easter. Dona asking me to run the three-legged race with her. Nanette Ennis being a really nice lady. The sunshine. Sticky rice. Sweat. Sigma chants. Ritz crackers. Determination. Literary criticism. Karen wishing that I updated my blog more often.

And you know what, I could write more, but I think it's nice to end on that positive note, yeah? That, and I can't stop yawning. Goodnight, noises everywhere.