What Do I Know?

Things about today that were good:

• Starbucks: java chip frappuccino and blueberry muffin
• Late night spaghetti dinner
• Room painting plans
• Nathan finding my wallet (bless)
• Devin and Imaani being sweet, loving angels
• New music
• Outfit planning
• All of my sisters looking their fiercest for our final chapter meeting of the semester

Things about today that were okay:

• Writing some of an essay
• Giving in to the temptation of Twitter
• Work (I got another pledge: proof that miracles happen)
• The weather (sun: good, wind: no just no)
• Marginal improvement in Scramble With Friends

Things about today that were bad:

• Becca and Lisa not needing calendars for next semester
• Wanting to wear my ring but not knowing where it is
• The sink being backed up because my IQ becomes steadily lower the longer I breathe Georgia air
• General lack of organization
• Unpainted toenails
• My throat hurting
• Apathy

The closer I get to the close of the semester, the more I want to just collapse. This whole semester has been me regressing in terms of being able to handle anything at all: I forget when I've showered, whether I've washed my face, where my Petrel pass is, where I last put my glasses. I forget appointment dates and assignments and whether I've answered people's text messages. I get confused trying to walk places, pausing mid-stride and thinking, "Shouldn't I be going around the other way? It'd be faster." I've spent a lot of time crying in bathrooms or my dorm room when it's empty; I started crying on stage during the Singer's concert, even, and during Jess and Leila's initiation.

The last time I went home, I had lunch with my grandma, and in response to a question about whether I liked Oglethorpe, she said, "She seems to like it. I don't know; sometimes her blog seems a little...," and I guess it's true. I can understand how this blog might make it look as though I'm desperately unhappy here. But to tell you the truth: I don't know how to differentiate between the place and the person. I'll admit, I've been happier the times I've gone home. But the times I've gone home have been vacations: fewer worries, fewer obligations, fewer restrictions. It's not the same. If I were to live and go to school at home, it could be I'd be the same wreck there that I am here. I don't know how to answer that question without actually taking the Mythbusters approach of just living the experience. And I can't exactly afford to go flip-flopping between schools; which I'm not convinced is even possible? You can't just try on lifestyles like they're pairs of shoes.

Still, it's been suggested that I might be happier living at home. It's been suggested that I might be happier, attending a different university. And I honestly don't know how to reply to that kind of suggestion. I might feel exceptionally lonely right now--especially with the promise of friends and family back home dangling right in front of my eyes--and I might be upset, thinking that I've possibly managed to alienate a possible friend (however surprised I might have been, initially, by the idea) just as some of my few others are preparing to graduate, but I don't know that it's a permanent thing. My mood is incredibly malleable. Mercurial. I have trouble basing my decisions on it, and therefore most often resort to logic, and so far, the logic of my staying vs. my going looks a bit like this:

• Money???
• Who else would want me
• Tri Sigma?
• Plans I've set up already! Living in the house with Dona! Singers!
• My family though
• Devin! Lauren!
• Living on my own is cool beans (sometimes?) because independence
• Jobs
• Good food and games

And man, I dunno. It's funny how I really like to make lists, but I rarely ever use them to help me accomplish things. I don't write to-do lists, I don't write pro-and-con lists. Maybe I should start. Maybe the black-and-white of pen and paper will make all of my thoughts more black-and-white, more cut-and-dry, straight-and-narrow, fast-and-easy. The ultimate aim is simplicity, right?

I don't know, but the last thing anyone needs to be doing is sitting up at 4 AM contemplating her life choices and reasons for doing things, right? Heavy hearts have trouble maintaining a good sleeping rhythm. Ignore that I made that fact up.

Here's to hoping you're all currently dreaming sweet dreams. Goodnight.