The thing about people is that we think we can solve our problems based on set formulas prescribed by other people. Which is complete crap, because surprise: we're people and not math books and life is really hard and calculus is hard, too, but at least there are sometimes answers in the back and calculators are programmed to do things like long division for you.
An example: I thought that coming home would solve my problems for me. And alright, no, I wasn't convinced; I had that niggling feeling deep down that I wasn't really escaping anything by changing the scenery. I know better by now than to think that traveling seven hours south is going to erase any lingering doubt or feelings of inadequacy. I can't shed self-consciousness like a skin and bury it in the ground like I occasionally (okay, often) want to.
Another example (and this is a general statement based off a number of observations and not an attack on any individual, because I know people get anxious when you start addressing issues that might be considered relevant to their current situations; kind of like how nearly everyone can see themselves in their horoscopes if they look hard enough): the way, after a break-up, so many people think they can set themselves a recovery date. You're sitting there telling yourself that because you don't want to feel miserable, because you're afraid of feeling miserable, that you just won't. You'll throw yourself into your work, into a bunch of different projects, into spending time with your family or driving your car around until you run out of gas or obsessively cleaning your house or whatever the hell comes your way, and you'll be fine in a month.
Which is total and complete bull.
The thing about people is that they have all of these pesky emotions and neuroses and they're messy and unorganized. The thing about people is that they watch a lot of television and read a lot of books and see a lot of advertisements and well-thought-out arguments and they think, "Jesus, I am not together! I am not the same as Character A!" and then they try to shave off all of the bits that won't fit into that mould. And sometimes you just want to stop and scream, "NO!"
All sorts of things develop from people trying to model their lives after these unattainable images of SUPPOSED-TO-BEs. All sorts of really hideously awful things. Eating disorders, suicides, broken windows and ripped up books and burned photographs and really, really awful haircuts. And so far wading through the ocean of societal pressures and THE AMERICAN DREAM!! and wants and wishes that other people have for me in conjunction with the anxieties and issues of the people closest to me has been really bizarre and complicated, and sometimes I just want to sit in my backyard on the trampoline and drink iced coffee or stay up until 5AM talking to my mother, or fold other people's socks while watching Luther, or ride Montu six times in a row until my migraine is so bad that I feel like I'm going to throw up.
So, even though people still sleep with people they shouldn't and throw up their meals when they really need the nutrition and burn themselves on purpose and wear pants that give them serious muffin tops, and even though going home hasn't rid me of my preoccupation with the Fear That I Am Going to Fail at Living Life and Therefore Should Not Risk Trying Anything New blah blah blah mentality that I seem to have developed in the absence of my mom's steamed broccoli (why is she the only person on earth who can cook good broccoli every time?), I feel really pleased with the idea that I can now do those things.
The thing about people, I guess, is that even though we run ourselves into the ground trying to accomplish the impossible, we sometimes get it right, and sometimes it's all just really beautiful.
An example: I thought that coming home would solve my problems for me. And alright, no, I wasn't convinced; I had that niggling feeling deep down that I wasn't really escaping anything by changing the scenery. I know better by now than to think that traveling seven hours south is going to erase any lingering doubt or feelings of inadequacy. I can't shed self-consciousness like a skin and bury it in the ground like I occasionally (okay, often) want to.
Another example (and this is a general statement based off a number of observations and not an attack on any individual, because I know people get anxious when you start addressing issues that might be considered relevant to their current situations; kind of like how nearly everyone can see themselves in their horoscopes if they look hard enough): the way, after a break-up, so many people think they can set themselves a recovery date. You're sitting there telling yourself that because you don't want to feel miserable, because you're afraid of feeling miserable, that you just won't. You'll throw yourself into your work, into a bunch of different projects, into spending time with your family or driving your car around until you run out of gas or obsessively cleaning your house or whatever the hell comes your way, and you'll be fine in a month.
Which is total and complete bull.
The thing about people is that they have all of these pesky emotions and neuroses and they're messy and unorganized. The thing about people is that they watch a lot of television and read a lot of books and see a lot of advertisements and well-thought-out arguments and they think, "Jesus, I am not together! I am not the same as Character A!" and then they try to shave off all of the bits that won't fit into that mould. And sometimes you just want to stop and scream, "NO!"
All sorts of things develop from people trying to model their lives after these unattainable images of SUPPOSED-TO-BEs. All sorts of really hideously awful things. Eating disorders, suicides, broken windows and ripped up books and burned photographs and really, really awful haircuts. And so far wading through the ocean of societal pressures and THE AMERICAN DREAM!! and wants and wishes that other people have for me in conjunction with the anxieties and issues of the people closest to me has been really bizarre and complicated, and sometimes I just want to sit in my backyard on the trampoline and drink iced coffee or stay up until 5AM talking to my mother, or fold other people's socks while watching Luther, or ride Montu six times in a row until my migraine is so bad that I feel like I'm going to throw up.
So, even though people still sleep with people they shouldn't and throw up their meals when they really need the nutrition and burn themselves on purpose and wear pants that give them serious muffin tops, and even though going home hasn't rid me of my preoccupation with the Fear That I Am Going to Fail at Living Life and Therefore Should Not Risk Trying Anything New blah blah blah mentality that I seem to have developed in the absence of my mom's steamed broccoli (why is she the only person on earth who can cook good broccoli every time?), I feel really pleased with the idea that I can now do those things.
The thing about people, I guess, is that even though we run ourselves into the ground trying to accomplish the impossible, we sometimes get it right, and sometimes it's all just really beautiful.
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